1. Fully enjoys the holiday; sincerely wishes people a happy holiday and sends candy-grams — genuinely enthusiastic human being

• Does homework the day it was assigned
• Hopelessly addicted to caffeine
• Dislikes blue-raspberry on principle
• Sleeps approximately eight hrs a week
• Secretly thinks they’re the best driver in their friend group

2. “Valentine’s Day is a corporate ploy designed to commodify love for capital gain.” Intentionally wears black on the day of.

• “I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist”
• Self-described mess
• Has a blog
• Keeps finger nails super short
• Actually orders pistachio ice cream
• Plays at least two obscure instruments
• Lawful evil

3. Benign acceptance — here to have a good tim;, not too ruffled; will smile but politely abstain from Valentine-y activities.

• Vague but weirdly positive
• Long eyelashes
• Too trusting
• Never seen doing work but is lowkey always stressed
• Chill drunk
• Says “fight me” a lot
• Wouldn’t win a fight with a toaster
• Adidas

4. Jaded resignation — sullenly accepts their incapacity to alter the situation.

• Taking the L
• Cat person
• Unironically watches “The Bachelor”
• Multilingual but mostly just talks shit in front of people’s faces
• Types really fast
• Currently investing heavily in the Coffee I.V. market
• In pain

5. Has literally no opinion on the matter — vaguely nods along with whomever has the most vocal position.

• Lowkey Backstreet Boys
• Still thinks Heelys are cool
• Never knows what time things are happening
• Has Bigger Things to worry about
• Doesn’t know much about astronomy but has a lot of passion
• Says “it’s fine” a lot
• It’s not fine

 

Tag yourself and contact Maximiliana Bogam at ebogan ‘at’ stanford.edu.