Imagine yourself having a long-awaited, intimate chat with a friend. You could be anywhere — at a party, walking to class or even in line at the CoHo to pick up a hot cup of ChaiX (a caffeinated concoction that blends a shot of espresso into a chai tea latte). You and your friend are happily catching up on classes, love lives and other gossip.

Suddenly your friend looks past you and shrieks, “Oh my GOD I haven’t seen you in forever!” You’re puzzled until, turning around, you realize that this exclamation wasn’t directed at you. And, with only that warning, you realize your one-on-one time must come to an end. There is a third party on the scene.

Who is this number three?

He, or she or N3, might be any number of people. Sometimes, N3 is a complete stranger to you. Your friend lived with N3 freshman year, or studied abroad with N3, or hiked in the wilderness with N3 last summer. Whatever the stories they shared, you were unfortunately not a part of them.

And so, as your friend and N3 excitedly exchange pleasantries, you find yourself suddenly abandoned. You check your phone; you allow your eyes to wander around the room; you count the moments until N3 leaves. A small part of you hates N3 for absolutely no reason. Another part of you desperately wants to be friends with N3.

It isn’t a fun place to be, especially when your friend and N3 manage to only talk about the things that completely exclude you. If they talked about the weather, you’d have just as good a claim to say something. “No way, I think it’s kind of cold too!”

But you can’t add much to the discussion when N3 and your friend immediately bring up their common memories. In a worst-case scenario, their reminiscing rapidly intensifies. “Remember that time we got totally lost? That was so funny!”

Was it? You wouldn’t know. You weren’t there. Even if you try to follow the conversation, it wouldn’t matter because you don’t know the people and places involved in the story. “John was so hilarious that night!” Who’s John? Why was that hilarious? Oh, sorry, you had to be there to appreciate it.

If they don’t reminisce, something equally exclusive might happen: The conversation might turn to personal details about N3 and his/her classes, love life and other gossip. As you listen to an unfolding saga that concerns why N3 can never, ever hook up with so-and-so again, you wonder if you should still be there or pretend you have to go to the bathroom.

But no! This was your conversation with your friend first! You have to take it back, no matter the cost.

And so, rather than look around aimlessly or check your email, you insert yourself in the conversation. You laugh when your friend and N3 are laughing. You gasp, giggle and say “aw” at all the right places during the story, no matter what the topic is. You casually slip in questions like, “Whoa! What happened next?” that let you stay engaged without having to say anything else.

While these strategies can usually work, it’s annoying to have to use them. The thing is, you shouldn’t have to go on the offensive. You shouldn’t have to pretend you were also lost on the streets of Madrid at 5 a.m. or hiking up the same mountain in the pouring rain.

Rather, the burden lies on your friend. It is the unspoken, unwritten responsibility of the mutual friend in this case: the burden of the introduction.

The mutual friend would do well to introduce you to N3 as soon as possible. The introduction paves the way for an inclusive conversation. It gives you some small grounds for familiarity, and it gets your foot in the metaphorical door of conversation. Once you have a name for N3, and you have been established as a participant in the conversation, you can enter the fray without feeling like a complete outsider.

To all the mutual friends out there: Yes, your position is a little unfair. Introductions aren’t easy, and sometimes they don’t seem worthwhile. What if your friend and N3 will never meet again? Indeed, they may not. But this is no excuse. You never know if, somewhere down the line, your friend and N3 will be in a class, student group or relationship. For the minimal effort of one introduction, you might take the extra step to open up the conversation and potentially pave the way for something more.

 

Feel free to include Miriam in the conversation using melloram “at” stanford “dot” edu.