Last week, you decided to schedule a dinner date with that friend who lives across campus. It seemed like a great idea at the time — of course you’d be able to dash out of section, pedal madly over to the dining hall, have a leisurely 20-minute meal and then arrive a few minutes late to your next meeting. You like this friend so much that the hassle would be worth it.

 

Right? Maybe. But now it’s Dead Week, when Stanford is anything but dead, and you’ve probably realized that the plan you made was pretty unrealistic. It’s not that dinner will have to be 15 minutes; it’s that you’ll have to skip dinner altogether. What about your friend? Your friend is faithfully waiting for you, counting down the minutes to meet you at the door to the dining hall.

 

Unfortunately for this friend, you’ll have to bail. Ditch. Flake. We have a lot of names for this kind of person — the person who does not always follow through with plans or keep commitments.

 

Let’s retell the story from the other perspective.

 

Last week your friend, who lives all the way across campus, initiated a plan to grab dinner together. This friend is usually pretty busy, so a dinner is a rare occurrence. You’ve been planning your outfit all day in preparation for this momentous occasion. Okay, maybe not. But you’re at least somewhat excited, and you’ve made a few minor schedule adjustments to accommodate this friend.

 

A few hours before dinner you receive this text message: “Hey dude, I’m so sorry, but I can’t make dinner after all.” There might be a sad-face emoticon too.

 

Ouch. Off you go, alone, to the dining hall — or the movie, or the party, or whatever engagement is at hand. Countless people are ditched all the time, in all sorts of ways and situations. And ditching is especially common on a campus full of busy, slightly overworked and likely overcommitted university students.

 

If you’ve been ditched, you know that it doesn’t feel very good. At the same time, most of us have also ditched someone at some recent point in our lives. We’re all human. The question is how to pitch your ditch: how to make your cancellation seem the least offensive or absent-minded.

 

I usually feel a little better when a friend bails on me if I get to hear exactly why I’m getting ditched. The mysterious text or email that merely calls off a plan leaves me guessing and wondering why my company is so unpleasant. I start to picture all the other things that my friend would be doing instead of spending time with me. Am I not worth their time? Are they eating dinner with a better friend? Did they really have something better to do than hang out with me?

 

So, the next time you prepare to bail on your friend, consider explaining the reason for your flakiness. You don’t have to outline your schedule minute-by-minute, but your ditched friend gains peace of mind if you provide a general outline of your other activities. For example, it wouldn’t kill your fingers to text the following: “Hey dude, sorry I can’t make dinner tonight! I have only 20 minutes between office hours and a mandatory meeting.”

 

If you’re positive that you can make the commitment, you can also pacify your ditched friend by making a second set of plans. Remember, your friend may be feeling personally rejected by your cancellation. A second proposition to hang out reaffirms that you like your friend but that you were momentarily busy. That text might look something like: “Hey, I’m sorry I can’t make dinner tonight, but are you free next week instead?”

 

Then there’s the common reason for ditching: sickness. How many times has someone bailed on you because they had anything from a headache to acute food poisoning? You really can’t hold this against your friend; if someone ditches you for medical reasons, you’ll just have to contain your frustration. The danger is in using sickness as a fictitious excuse. When you’re sick for the fifth time, this friend may start to wonder why you get a headache every time the two of you plan to get together.

 

But no matter your reason for flaking, it’s most comforting for the person on the other end if you explain your true reasons for doing so. Even if you’re ditching to take a nap, to go to the gym or to have a few moments of quiet time to yourself, let your friend know. You’ll both appreciate the honesty.

 

Make some plans with Miriam at melloram “at” stanford “dot” edu, but please don’t ditch her.