On Monday night, a rather jarring e-mail from one Harry J. Elam, Jr. hit my inbox. The terrifying subject line told me all I needed to know: “Attention needed: Major Declaration.” The time had come.

You see, as a member of the Class of 2012, I should have declared my major at some point last year. And really, I would have done it already if the political science department didn’t make it so damn difficult. Advisor this, declaration form that—why can’t I just go into Axess and say I’m a political science major? White people like myself become political science majors because it’s “easy.” We major in the humanities because it’s “easy.” The bureaucratic hoops I have to jump through to declare are making me think I aimed too high. Maybe I should have looked into medieval studies or archaeology instead.

Of course, some people have to rain on my parade. They’re called techies, and they make up approximately half of Stanford’s population. Watch out for them at all costs. Don’t let them tell you that Stanford grads include the guys who founded Hewlett Packard, Google and Yahoo—men whose combined net worth would probably approach the “more money than God” range. They will try to project this materialism on you. Their argument inevitably concludes with this clincher: to make money in this day and age, any major with “engineering” or “science” in the name probably isn’t a bad bet.

I say, who cares? As a white person, if you’re not majoring in something semi-related to the humanities, then you’re making things too hard on yourself. Forget “engineering”—“literature” might be the operative word in the major you’re looking for. English would be a good call, too, as would philosophy. Perhaps you’re out to change the world (at this school, who isn’t?) but don’t want to piss off your parents too much. Then major in international relations. There’s some NGO out there with your name on it, I promise. Or maybe you’re like me and think international relations is just too much econ (and don’t forget, econ is almost math!). Then try political science. Dr. Pangloss would tell you it’s the best of all possible worlds. Let’s just put it this way—there’s a major out there for you that requires far fewer than 100 units to complete.

Simply put, the humanities and social sciences will always have a future as long as white people like myself are around. We couldn’t make up our minds for months between Obama and Hillary during the 2008 presidential election. How do you expect us to decide on a cohesive and comprehensive major in college? Granted, this is Stanford we’re talking about—the land where it seems necessary to have your four-year plan set by the time you set foot in your freshman dorm. Raise your hand if you heard some kid in your IHUM section talking about how his or her winter quarter during senior year was going to be a total bitch. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Four-year plans don’t really work for us white people. We’re far too into the moment to appreciate the beauty in planning ahead. We’re all a little bit like Meursault from “The Stranger.” To us, trying to control the present is an exercise in futility in a universe devoid of meaning. We’re disconnected from the rest of humanity and seeking out momentary pleasures in life. (Honestly, if that doesn’t accurately describe most of Stanford’s housed fraternity scene, then what does?) Thus, worrying just doesn’t really cut it because white people get more of a kick out of confusing others by obliquely referencing Nobel Prize-winning French existentialists who have been dead for half a century. That’s why we love the humanities so much.

Don’t get me wrong: white people aren’t lazy. Our weltanschauung—that’s “worldview” in German, for those of you not down with philosophic terms—just consists of seemingly caring about the world more than our academics. (We also like to use words like “weltanschauung” because it makes us sound more worldly and cultured. Trust me, that’s a huge plus for us.) Techies, I’ll bet that you’re reading this and thinking about the endless problem set that’s waiting for you tonight. Or maybe you’re considering that ME 101 project that’s staring you in the face. Oh, did you forget about that CS assignment? That sucks. I bet you probably have a midterm next week, too.

What about me, you ask? I guess I’ll forge ahead and declare myself a political science major as planned. Then, I can just blow off the reading for my poli sci seminar, bullshit my history paper and catch up on some Dexter.

Need to be rescued from the basement of Gates? Ask Shane for help at [email protected].